Let’s get started.
We all long to experience sexual fulfillment, erotic connection, desire, and passion. But if you ejaculate too quickly, you’re missing out…missing out on pleasure and connection during sex because you are ejaculating faster than you’d like.
Before you even know it, before you even experience arousal building in your body – you cum!
Instead of pleasure, you experience psychological frustration and emotional pain that is often overwhelming and limits connection — with both yourself and with your partner.
To add insult to injury, the negative thoughts that often accompany the actual physical issue interact with each other and reinforce each other. This creates a negative feedback loop that blocks you from getting what you really want out of your sexual experiences.
– I want you to learn the practical skills that you need to last longer and experience more pleasure in your body.
-I want to give you the premature ejaculation treatment plan that will really work for you!
But first, I will help you get a more clear understanding around the underlying reasons behind your struggle. Illuminating the factors that contribute to your early ejaculation is often the first step in releasing you from the forces that are holding you back.
…..I don’t currently have a partner?
You do not need to be in a relationship to start this process.
My approach is meant for men at any stage of a relationship or who are not in a relationship at all. Meaning, you can start practicing this approach today regardless of how much sex you are having.
My unique approach will also be helpful for you whether or not you have just started ejaculating early or if this has been a lifelong struggle.
Although most early ejaculators face similar hurdles, I recommend following this advice at your own pace and figuring out what parts are most applicable to you.
My goal is to help you last longer, feel more pleasure in your body and be able to relax into sex.
Is it premature ejaculation or early ejaculation?
I typically do not refer to this issue as premature ejaculation, I refer to it as early ejaculation. It is simply — you’re ejaculating earlier than you want.
To me, the phrasing early ejaculation feels a little softer and less intimidating. (Note: to get this article widely spread through SEO, I will be using premature ejaculation more frequently then I would typically in sessions).
There is often this assumption that only younger men or maybe sexually inexperienced men struggle with premature ejaculation. I want to lay that idea to rest. Many men, from all walks of life and ages can struggle with early ejaculation.
My intention with sharing this information and treatment plan with you is to give you the tools that will enable you to get control over your ejaculation. I want to give you the choice over when you ejaculate so you can have sex for as long as you want.
I view early ejaculation as a form of anxiety. Your body is getting overwhelmed by the feeling of arousal for one reason or another. You start to feel the build up and arousal growing, then the anxiety takes over and arousal literally goes right through you.
It’s the fight or flight response.
The body is in a state of panic and falls into the false belief that it only has two options:
- lose your erection
Anything to dissipate the anxiety.
It is also common for men who struggle with severe premature ejaculation to sometimes be unable to get hard. Especially under stressful situations. So, even if you started with control issues, it may look under certain circumstances like you have ED issues. Really, it is just the next layer of anxiety.
Unfortunately, this can become the norm for many men. The body becomes too overwhelmed by the anxiety to connect with arousal at all.
Self-propelling loop of arousal anxiety
Regardless of how the pattern of anxiety originally got created, it now feeds on itself. This creates a self-propelling system where you continue to get more and more anxious around arousal and sex, making the issues of control more and more embedded.
A fun and fulfilling sex life requires a state of openness and being un-self-conscious. Anxiety doesn’t allow for this openness to happen.
In the dread, worry or fear of orgasming too fast it is impossible not to be self-conscious. One cannot be playful and anxious at the same time.
Play and anxiety do not mix.
In this fearful or hypervigilant state – your body interprets your surroundings as a dangerous place and your body starts to contract or pull in. Mentally and physically you are now cut off from the sensations in your body, which are necessary for controlling your ejaculation.
You cannot control your ejaculation if you don’t know what is happening in your body.
Learning to become less anxious goes beyond just having a hard cock that lasts as long as you want. While there are many, many different ways to enjoy a sexual experience and provide pleasure to your partner that do not directly involving your hard cock being hard– it is worthwhile and important to know how to experience and enjoy arousal in your own body, with your cock hard and you fully connected to your experience.
Are ejaculating right away and or losing your erection? I want to help you learn another option ~ experience arousal without anxiety. That is what my premature ejaculation treatment approach is all about.
Arousal Without Anxiety
My goal is to help you understand arousal from a connected, centered and calm place inside your body.
Let go of the fears that you’ll never be able to over some you early ejaculation fears.
What is happening for other men with premature ejaculation?
Often, men want to know what is happening for other men with premature ejaculation. You might wonder, “where am I on the spectrum of early ejaculation?”
It is actually really helpful to understand how you compare with other so you can better understand how long it may take you until you feel a sense of control with your ejaculation.
3 Categories of Early Ejaculation
I break up severity of PE into three categories – mild, moderate or severe.
- Mild early ejaculation is when you sometimes have control but are not sure why it is easier to control at certain times than others.
You might last anywhere between 30 seconds to 10 minutes – most often lasting about 2 to 4 minutes. You may sometimes feel a sense of control but are not sure why that is. Mild early ejaculators typically need about one to three months of continual practice or therapy to gain more control.
- Moderate early ejaculation is when you have rarely lasted more than a few minutes at any point during your life, always ejaculating between 30 seconds to 3 minutes with no feelings of control. A moderate early ejaculator will typically need about 2 to 6 months of practice or therapy to learn control.
- Severe early ejaculation is less common. This would be when you ejaculate very easily with little or no touch, or immediately before or after penetration. Severe early ejaculators usually need 4 months to 2 years of ongoing practice or therapy to gain control.
Is premature ejaculation psychological or physiological?
One of the most commonly asked questions I get in my practice from early ejaculators and other therapists alike is:
The answer is that it is a combination of both. Some people may lean more heavily in one direction but there’s always elements of both a play.
There are medical options for premature ejaculation, although I often do not recommend that any of my clients take them.
Let’s walk through some physiological factors to premature ejaculation
As I have already mentioned, people who struggle with early ejaculation are often experiencing the fight or flight stress response. Often times without even having the awareness that this is what is happening for them because it’s all happening so quickly.
The fight or flight stress response is when the nervous system responds to a perceived threat to survival.
For early ejaculators, this means that the arousal triggers stress and anxiety in the body and that stress and anxiety overwhelms the body – making it nearly impossible to feel pleasure. You would experience this tension in your body when you get aroused. Maybe you sense tightness in legs, chest or arms. Your response would be similar to other scenarios when your body has wanted to escape from a dangerous situation.
For example, if you want to run away to protect yourself, you are experiencing FLIGHT. Your legs are activating to take you away from the stressful situation.
FIGHT can be felt as tightness in hands or forearms – where your body is literally gearing up to fight. There can also be tightness in groin or pelvic floor.
Others report they feel numbness. The numbness can be an attempt to distance yourself from the tension.
It is important to note that tension in the body acts as a brick wall to sensation and pleasure.
Arousal may still be building very rapidly but you’re disconnected from how aroused you are. Meaning, arousal increases but you literally cannot feel it – the stress keeps you from experiencing the sensations.
Masturbation and Premature Ejaculation
Another physiological or trained experience is how you masturbate. Do you take your time? or quickly hurry though the experience?
If you are hurry right through your pleasure, you are training your body to release quickly. The treatment of premature ejaculation involves learning to masturbate in a different way.
I will address this in much more details very soon.
How do you find arousal?
Another possible physiological issue could be how you actually find or get into your arousal, especially when you are masturbating.
Porn use and Premature Ejaculation Troubles
Many men use porn during masturbation. I personally do not believe porn in and of itself is a problem, yet, lately, much research has come out explaining some of the ways that porn can affect our brains and relationships to our bodies. I have witnessed this to be true with many of my clients.
The topic of how porn can affect our systems is a much larger than what I will go into into here. Yet, I still feel it is important to understand a little bit around how porn and early ejaculation mix.
In general, over using porn to find arousal can keep you from being able to feel what’s going on in your body.
How does porn affect premature ejaculation struggles?
Watching porn puts you in an immediate state of high arousal through visual and audio stimuli, giving you instant gratification. There is often little to no build-up in the body or integration of how your cock even got hard.
For men who struggle with early ejaculation and also depend on porn during masturbation, it important to explore how your relationship to arousal may be compromised because of a lack of familiarity with the build up of arousal in your body.
When you start to feel arousal – with the stress and excitement of a real life partner, your body probably gets overwhelmed and you just orgasm right away. Or at least way before you want to.
This way of relating significantly inhibits your connection with your arousal and ability feel pleasure elsewhere in your body.
Social and Performance Anxiety and Premature Ejaculation
Porn use can also make social and performance anxiety worse.
For example, if you can easily masturbate to your favorite porn on one occasion, but have difficulty maintaining an erection and/or orgasm quickly with a real life partner, chances are you may be have social or performance anxiety that is growing stronger with your use of porn.
An example of this is a client of mine who I’ve been working with for about 6 months, who has severe early ejaculation issues.
At home, he only masturbates to practice lasting longer, and for the last 10 years he hasn’t masturbated for any other purpose. This has taken the joy and pleasure out of masturbating for him. He says it like a chore, a way to practice lasting longer for the times when he has a partner.
The more we delved into how he was masturbating, he realized he was trying to mimic the speed he saw porn stars fucking. What he found was that his body disengages when he follows somebody else’s performance plan, and that increasing the speed so rapidly actually results in a numb feeling in his cock.
Even though he was able to last longer with hard and fast stroking, which was a huge part of his goal, it didn’t actually feel good. He started to feel pleasure only when he slowed down, speeding up only when his body wanted that.
Over Sensitivity and Premature Ejaculation
Lastly, sensitivity may also be a physiological issue. This is where your nerves are highly sensitive to sensation and cause the stress response of “oh no, I’m going to come fast!” creating the panic in the body.
In the long-run, it is a good thing to be sensitive because it makes it easier to feel pleasure, but you need to teach your body not be overwhelmed by the sensations while arousal is building.
Early Ejaculation Psychological Factors
One of the biggest psychological factors you may be facing if you’re struggling with early ejaculation is feeling like pleasure is not important or welcomed – especially as it relates to your body.
Many men who struggle with premature ejaculation report trying to hold back or shut down their pleasure, therefore distancing themselves from what they are feeling physically and emotionally. The hope that is you make it feel less good, you’ll last longer.
I think of it as like a “shaming guilt” – you might say things to yourself like: “it’s not okay to want this,” “my energy is going to overwhelm my partner,” or “I need to make sure she is getting what she wants and put my own needs aside,” “since I cant last long, I don’t deserve for this to feel good.”
In our culture today, many men report getting mixed messages around what they are expected to bring to a sexual experience. In one sense, men are demonized just for being male, and their sexuality is further demonized as threatening or simply unwelcome or undesirable. While, at the same time they get the message that women want men to pursue them and take responsibility for all their needs, like the plot of 50 Shades of Grey.
Am I allowed to feel pleasure if I don’t last long enough?
For men who struggle with early ejaculation, there is often an underlying belief that they are not worthy of pleasure because they do not last long enough. This negative belief pattern makes it much more difficult to change.
Many of my clients have reported things like: “why care about my pleasure, I cannot even last long enough to pleasure her?”
What they are doing is pushing away – it’s not even in their thoughts that their pleasure is important. But it is important. In fact, it’s crucial for learning how to control your ejaculation.
Pleasure, Pleasure, Pleasure!
For the long term health of a sexual relationships – both people need to get pleasure – not just one person.
Learning ejaculation control is about learning how to have more pleasure in your body and while your partner will benefit from your efforts to make changes – it is first and foremost about you accepting and allowing pleasure to enter into your body.
Another huge psychological factor is performance anxiety. Performance anxiety is the fear of being a bad lover or being unable to please your partner. That you won’t be able to get an erection or that your abilities will fall short of what’s expected. In our society, many people hold the belief that sex won’t happen unless a man makes it happen. He is expected to take all the initiative – taking on both the responsibility of his own pleasure along with his partner’s – and if he doesn’t have an orgasm his partner may wonder what’s wrong with him — even if he stays hard and lasts a long time!
When we really examine all the pressure men take on during sex, it’s no wonder why so many men struggle.
Some clients report that their main reason for wanting to fix this issue is that their partner wants them to last longer, and their focus becomes pleasing their partner rather than being able to feel pleasure in their own body.
Get hard and stay hard – just like in porn, right?
One cause of performance anxiety is the expectation that a man should get hard on demand and staying hard for a long time. When I ask clients where they got this belief from, they often say it’s from porn.
One major downfall that porn has played is in this unrealistic belief of how cocks work. Porn can seem like the norm. That not only can men perform on demand, but they can maintain an erection for 20 minutes or more while fucking hard.
To illustrate how unrealistic this is: imagine being put on a treadmill on the highest speed on the highest incline. After a few minutes you would just fall off the treadmill from exhaustion.
Yet this unreal example what many men think is the desired performance. Many men feel this is is expected of them in bed.
The reality is, to last as long as a porn star you would have to use unnatural methods. What most people don’t know is that most male porn stars have taken performance enhancers. Often, over the recommended amount. Some men might take 3 or 4 Viagra’s or cock injections. In other words, their performance is artificial, for the purpose of entertainment.
I believe it’s important to understand what sex looks like for men who are not taking performance enhancers because I want you can take some of the pressure off yourself!
Fucking hard during sex typically happens more in intervals that last between 30 seconds to 5 minutes at a time. In between fucking harder, there is often slowing down, thrusting softer or in more of a grinding motion. To speed up and slow down is completely normal and women actually prefer this.
Do woman orgasm from intercourse?
Let’s also not forget that most women do not orgasm from penetration alone.
A study published in 2017 in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that 37% of American women required clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm. The study also found that only 18% of women said that vaginal penetration alone was enough to orgasm.
According to Debby Herbenick, a researcher at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, the results of this study revealed women’s wide range of preferences when it came to how they liked being touched during sex.
Meaning, learning how to bring pleasure to a woman through fingers, tongues and toys plays a huge role in how satisfied she is. Not just how long your cock stays hard before you release.
Body shame can also play huge role in how you allow yourself to express erotically. For men who struggle with ejaculation control, there can be angst about how you look naked or not feeling masculine enough.
Women speak up more frequently about body shame but men also often report feeling compared and judged by their appearance.
The fear of being too skinny, too fat, not big enough or not muscular enough has led to terms like “bigorexia.” Men also carry a lot of shame around the size and look of their genitals. For example, you might feel your cock is not big enough, you don’t like the shape of the head, or even the color of your cock. These concerns are all things I have heard in my office.
Vulnerability of being fully seen
Another psychological factor, is a deep fear of being seen fully, or being vulnerable. We are our most vulnerable when we are in a state of arousal, physically naked and emotionally open.
The fear of vulnerability, mixed with the reality of vulnerability that sex puts you in, can unleash unconscious psychological fears.
You might also feel stress that goes back to an experience of masturbating as a young boy. Maybe you got caught masturbating as a young child? Mom or Dad or someone walked in or you, and you needed to hide quickly or rush to finish.
If you have experienced some variation of this, opening up can feel humiliating and scary. Or you might have the unconscious sense that it will be followed by punishment. You may have learned that this type of pleasure is meant only for extreme privacy and sharing is inappropriate.
Sometimes people with these experiences also have a lot of difficulty talking about anything sexual in general.
One of the things I’ve also noticed about men with severe early ejaculation is a sense of trauma around the head of the penis. It it my belief that this trauma can be traced back to being circumcised as an infant. I’ll share a story with you about one of my clients:
Staying mindful during arousal, as he experienced touch around the head of his penis, he had an unconscious body memory. The memory was of being held down, trying to get away, and being really scared. He said it was hard to describe the feeling because there were “no words.”
Often times, when people have no words to explain experiences like this, it can mean there has been a traumatic experience that took place before they had a vocabulary.
In the psychology world, this is called pre-verbal trauma. His body was unconsciously re-living the trauma every time his cock was stimulated.
Once he allowed his body to process this trauma, the sensitivity transformed into pleasure. He was able to last much longer, with more control and much more confidence.
What does progress for premature ejaculation look like?
Now that we’ve examined some of the physiological and psychological causes, let’s discuss what you can expect progress to look like. I want you to set realistic expectations for yourself.
You should start to see some progress right away. At first, however, that may mean only lasting one second longer.
Yes, that is progress! Everyone starts somewhere.
A natural strategy you can start to apply today to control your ejaculation.
Quick Tip: before you start any sexual experience, whether it’s masturbating or with a partner, you want to make sure you use the bathroom. Like earlier when you learned about the fight or flight response, if your body has the pattern of becoming more stressed by arousal, you might have the urge to go to the bathroom. Going beforehand removes that variable.
Start learning these new steps with masturbation first
While all of these steps can be practiced with a partner, I recommend that you start to learn them first on your own in masturbation. This way you can explore without the pressure of trying to get it right for your partner. For most men, the first place they begin to feel control and master the steps is through masturbation.
Step 1: breath
The first step that you want to learn is how to slow down and feel your breath moving in your body. Breath is the most important part of ejaculation control because it keeps you in your body, connected and aware of the sensations.
What we want to cultivate is a breath that tells your body that everything is OK. We are helping the body learn that the fight or flight stress response does not need to get activated. And, when you are connected with your breath, if it does, you will be aware of what is happening in the body.
Breath also brings you out of your head, which means you stop thinking so much and start feeling more.
Stop thinking and START feeling
Bring attention to your breath brings you completely into the moment allowing you to experience what pleasure is available there. When we give ourselves the room to follow the internal impulses of what our body wants to happen next rather than what our head thinks should happen next we end up present with pleasure – not chasing any goal.
Many spiritual traditions use breath as a foreground to go deeper into understanding. With regards to early ejaculation, one thing breath can do is allow the unconscious psychological blocks to come into your conscious understanding.
I have witnessed many times, that when men learn how to control their breathing, the thing that is holding them back often reveals itself, allowing them to heal and move forward.
With stillness, we can bring the unconscious into consciousness
You must practice this breath. When I work with clients, I suggest they use this type of breathing each time they masturbate or are with their partner.
At the end of these steps, I will walk you through a breath work exercise that you will be able to use in some capacity in any of your erotic experiences going forward.
Step 2: anal breath
This next step is learning ‘anal breath.’ Most people look at me like I’m crazy when I start talking about how your asshole. But, learning to unclenching is one of the most important tool in full control over ejaculation.
Anal Breath and Orgasm
For men and women alike, when you orgasm, your asshole (or anal sphincters) pulse. This pulsing can be anywhere between 3 and 15 pulses depending on how strong your orgasm is. This is one of the ways the body releases during orgasm. All orgasms are different, but typically the more pulsing you experience the stronger and longer your orgasm will be.
So, if you are already clenching your asshole, you are already that much closer to your orgasm. Therefore you want to be sure to unclench your asshole unless you are trying to reach orgasm.
All about your asshole
Your asshole has 2 sphincters; an internal sphincter and an external sphincter. The internal sphincter only opens if something is exiting or entering. The external sphincter is one that you can release or tighten consciously. I only mention this because sometimes there is the concern that you will accidentally shit yourself if you unclench. This won’t happen thanks to the internal sphincter!
Many of us carry a lot of shame surrounding our assholes. Just notice for yourself as you read this is you find yourself squirming in your chair. Does talking about this part of your body make you uncomfortable? Why? What did you learn about your privates as a young child? What stories do you carry about your genitals as an adult? It is a good idea to reflect when we get uncomfortable around where the discomfort came from and is it still needed.
Why is my asshole is always tightening?
What commonly happens with early ejaculators is that as arousal shows up in the body, the sphincter and whole pelvic floor region tightens. This tightening is bringing you one step closer to orgasm.
You want your body learn to experience arousal without clenching or tightening. We want to help reduce anxiety while arousal is building.
Step 3: learning your curves
The next step is learning your curves. The two curves you’ll need to better understand for ejaculation control is the arousal curve and anxiety curve.
Both scales are ranked 1 through 10. 1 being low and 10 being the high.
The arousal curve is how aroused you feel and how hard your cock is, again on a scale of 1 to 10. One is not being aroused at all. You might be open to erotic energy but there is not blood moving into your cock. 4 is where your cock is hard enough to penetrate, 9 is the point of no return, and 10 is orgasm or peak.
Inside your body, you want to be able to track where you are on your arousal curve at all times. This is so you are aware of how close you are to orgasm. Many men who struggle with ejaculation control jump from 1 or 2 to 10 without feeling any levels in between.
Learning where you are on the curve and what it actually feels like inside your body at each level will help you feel more confident and comfortable in knowing how close you are to orgasm.
4 is the magic number!
4 is the lowest level of arousal where your cock is hard enough to penetrate. This makes the level 4 one of the most levels on your arousal curve to understand. This is the arousal level you would want to start penetrating. Not higher and lower you would be too soft.
This doesn’t mean as soon as you get to a 4, you need to start having sex. It just means it’s the place on the curve that you would actually want to start penetrating. You might be enjoying foreplay and feel yourself going up to a 6 prior to penetration. You would want to breath yourself back down to a 4 before moving to penetration to ensure that you’re far enough away from orgasm upon entry.
To breathe yourself down the arousal curve, you want to combine your deep breaths with the unclenching of your asshole. I call this “anal breath.” To do this, you visualize and feel your breath moving all the way down your body into your asshole, releasing, letting go. Allowing the arousal to drop down the curve.
When you first learn how to use anal breaths to come down the arousal curve, it can take a long time for your body to learn how to drop. Sometimes, it can take 10 minutes to start dropping down. Be patient as your body learns this new breath and way of dropping arousal.
The next curve you want to better understand is your anxiety curve. On this curve, a 1 is very little to no anxiety in the body. A similar feeling would be when you wake up from a deep sleep or satisfying nap. A 10 is extremely anxious or stressed.
When we are anxious, we lose access to our resources. Meaning, you will have less control over over body because of the flight or fight response.
So what we want to try and do in the awareness of both of these curves ~ is learn how to feel the arousal without the anxiety attached.
Step 1 ~ Breath, again, and again, and again
Let’s revisit step one for a moment: the breath.
You will be using your breath to feel your body so you will have more awareness around what is happening inside of yourself. Over time, you will be able to track where you are on the arousal curve, the anxiety curve and how tightly you are clenching your asshole.
When we’re working with helping the body to release anxiety and move up arousal without tension, closely tracking your anxiety curve can help you start to change how your body handles arousal.
Again, what is really important to eventually learn is how to move up the arousal curve without anxiety. As you start to move up the arousal curve, it’s impertinent that your anxiety curve stays low.
If that means that you only get to a 5 on arousal because your anxiety gets too high, then that’s where you want to stay while you can build your sense of pleasure and control before allowing yourself to become more aroused.
Early Ejaculation Diagram
Step 4: Sweet Spot
Step 4 is learning where your sweet spot is on your arousal curve. When you first start working on ejaculation control, your sweet spot is going to be much lower than after you’ve gained more confidence.
Meaning when you first start to practice, your sweet spot might be between a 3 and a 5. That’s where your anxiety is relatively low.
You want to keep your anxiety curve under a 5. So, if your arousal curve and your anxiety curve are running parallel to each other, and you want to stay under a 5 on the anxiety curve, you don’t want to go over a 5 on the arousal curve until your arousal can break away from anxiety.
Gradually, as you get more comfortable, your sweet spot will move between 4 and 6, and then 5 and 7, and then 6 and 8, and so on.
The sweet spot is about holding the most amount of pleasure in the body with the least amount of anxiety. We don’t want you don’t feel like you’re going ejaculate right away. This will only cause you more anxiety.
But…. how do I do this?
You may be wondering how to move down the arousal curve to stay in your sweet spot. This is where the second part of anal breath comes in.
When you feel yourself getting too high on the arousal curve, you need to change your breath to be more directed towards your asshole. At first this may take between 15 to 100 breaths to let your arousal curve drop. Eventually, most men learn to use 3 anal breaths to come down on their arousal curve. This takes practice, patience and lots of paying attention to where you are.
The fifth and final step (which is often already happening if you’re practicing the four steps before) is to let the energy that builds in your cock move through the rest of the body.
Imagine the energy moving
When you are masturbating or with your partner, imagine the intense pleasure in your cock spreading down your legs to your feet. Spreading up your torso into your chest and down your arms, and then all the way up to your head. Include your whole body in the experience of pleasure, not just your cock.
If it helps, give the sensation a color in your mind. You can also imagine it like a liquid, so you can visualize the flowing sensation more concretely.
I understand that this may seem a bit abstract and it is. This is something that will take practice and time. If it’s initially completely foreign to you, be patient.
Overall, if the steps have left you unsure of what it means to ‘be in your body and move your energy,’ it would be good to find some resources around relaxation that you like. Practice those techniques in a non-sexual setting in conjunction with these steps.
If you build the skills outside the stress of arousal, it’ll easier when the arousal comes in (no pun intended:)).
Things to try for learning embodiment
Start meditating for 5 -10 minutes a day. While meditating, start feeling and consciously releasing tension from different parts of your body. There are many great apps and resources on the internet.
My favorite meditations come from Tara Brach’s website.
Overall, the most important thing to remember while you’re learning these steps is your breathwork.
I want to lead you through a breathwork exercise that will help you better connect with your body and help you understand the breath that you’ll want to use to explore your arousal.
So right now, allow yourself to get into a comfortable position. I always suggest lying down, but if that is uncomfortable for you or you’re unable to lay down, let yourself find a comfortable sitting position.
You also want to make sure that you have some privacy where you won’t be interrupted for at least 5 minutes.
Let your body get comfortable, see if you can just begin to breathe here without trying to do anything specific or anything fancy.
Just start to breathe. Feel where your body makes contact with the earth.
Now I’d like to invite you to place your hands on your chest and start to breathe in and out of your mouth, pushing your hand up with your chest and fully letting go of everything on the exhale.
Really pushing your hands up on your chest, expanding your rib cage… in and out of your mouth…
We are tuning into what I call the “sensation body.” This is the part of your body that can become aware of sensations. We’re slowing the breath down, starting to bring you out of your head. We want to use the breath to tell the body everything’s okay.
Take 2 more chest breaths here. Fully filling your lungs up, letting everything go on the exhale… Big inhale… And letting everything go on the exhale.
Now move your hands down onto your belly. Start to push your hands up and down with your belly. There’s a little bit of work on the inhale, and then letting everything go on the exhale…
Right here, notice the difference between breathing into your chest and breathing into your belly.
Maybe one feels easier than the other.
See if you can really push your hands up, slowing your breath down, telling your body everything’s okay with each inhale and exhale.
As you’re breathing here taking big full belly breaths, see if you can also notice areas of your body that are tightening or tensing.
First, just noticing those areas. Maybe you’re holding in your back, your legs, your hands, pelvis, feet. See if you can consciously let those parts start to soften as you’re breathing into your belly.
Let go of the tension. Remember that tension acts as a brick wall.
We want to see if we can really let the body let down, let go, letting gravity pull you in, letting breath move.
Let go of thoughts and expectations, and just moving into the sensation body.
Take 2 more big breaths into the belly and releasing. Last big breath into the belly, and letting everything go and now moving your hands down onto your cock.
See if you can allow the breath to be directed into your pelvis and cock. Just like you had no expectations when you were breathing into your chest and no expectations when breathing into your belly, see if you can let go of any expectations of arousal or anything that might have shown up as you directed your breath into your cock.
Allow yourself to connect here as best you can.
It might be a completely foreign concept and that’s okay. See if you can notice what happens here.
Maybe you’re noticing lots of arousal, always welcoming in arousal. Maybe you’re not noticing any arousal and that’s completely fine. Your breath right now is just about connection.
If you started to feel some tightness showing up, maybe tightness in your asshole, see if you can release that, letting the breath move.
Remember, we’re trying to let the body know everything’s okay.
Make some noise
And on the next exhale, make a little bit of noise — letting a sigh out. Breathe all the way in, and letting out a big sigh. Do this 3 more times. Big inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale… inhale… now last big exhale…
Now just allowing the breath to return without any noise unless it feels good to continue with the noise.
See if you can feel the connection in your body awareness and sensitivity starting to show up here.
If you’ve done this breathwork a couple times with me already, maybe pausing it right here and letting yourself go into self-pleasuring (masturbation). Exploring the steps, keeping with this breath and the connection.
If this is your first time listening to the breath in this course, we’re going to move into another, different breath.
You’re going to start breathing faster and faster letting the breath drop all the way into your cock.
Take anywhere between 10 to 50 breaths getting into a fast and faster inhale – exhale.
Now, take a big inhale through your nose and out through your mouth.,
and a big inhale through your nose out through your mouth,
and a big inhale through your nose and the top of the inhale you’re going to hold your breath and squeeze all your muscles as tight as you can.
You want everything tight, tight, tight, tight as tight as you can, holding, letting your body get a little uncomfortable and when you can’t hold anymore you’re going to let everything go and feel your whole body relax onto the earth.
Notice what it feels like inside of your body.
What the energy feels like, what you’re sensing, what you’re becoming aware of.
This connection in the body is actually what we want to start to create, as the way to enter into arousal.
People often ask me, “do I need to do that breathwork every time I want to be sexual?” The answer is of course not. In the beginning, as you’re teaching yourself the state that you want your body to enter into before you go into arousal, you will need to practice this breath. And practice finding your arousal from this level of connection.
To Wrap it up
To wrap up, be sure to continually check in with yourself to make sure you are taking full, deep slow breaths when you are being sexual.
Look for little areas of success at first. Sometimes, when something has been an issue for so long and we really want to fix it, we get really tough on ourselves and have unrealistic expectations.
The most common mistake is expecting to have full control right away. A lucky few may, but chances are you will need to put in a fair amount of effort, especially if this has been a lifelong struggle for you.
One of the most difficult but important steps to take in the process is learning how to communicate more openly about your struggle.
If you are currently with a partner, talk to them about how this is affecting you personally, and how you see it affecting your sex life — share your inner fears. Also let them know you are wanting to work on it.
Having your partner listen to this course can be very helpful in them gaining more awareness of what is happening for you.
Yeah, you need to share your feelings
Some women feel like you are ejaculating early on purpose. Sharing your feelings and frustrations will help them see this is currently out of your control and will help them understand what is happening for you.
People often wonder when it’s ok to have sex again, and I would like you to know that it’s always ok to have sex. Have as much and all the sex you want – yet try to make most of your sexual experiences part of your new way of connecting to your arousal.
This is why sharing with your partner and getting them on board is helpful. You might even ask them to help you to remember to breathe and relax when you are having sex.
If you are not with a partner and want to know when to try “it” with someone knew – see how anxious you are. If you are over the top anxious with fear of ejaculating too soon, most likely all the ideas and practice masturbation sessions you have done might go out the window. In these instances with clients – looking directly at performance anxiety is crucial.
It is important to remember that when stress starts to creep in, our brains don’t allow us to access all of our memories. If you have less stress when practicing individually but greater stress when you’re with a partner, you may not be able to access all the new tools and progress you’ve been making right away in partnered situations.
I am not going to tell you that this approach will forever transform your sex life, that you will be able to last forever and have amazing sex every time. I’m not saying it won’t either, but just listening to this course isn’t enough.
Success will occur because you are putting in the effort.
We are starting something here – and the problem with change is not that people didn’t start something, it is that they didn’t finish it.
Persistence will create new patterns that can graft themselves and transform your relationship with arousal. Don’t give up on yourself. Stay the course, take yourself seriously and give it your best shot!
You deserve to have the sex life that you want.
Part 6: Premature Ejaculation | The most Frequently Asked Questions
Have you been curious about what the most common questions of men who struggle to control their ejaculation are? so do many people. below is a compilation of the most common questions I get.
– How long do men typically sustain erections (what is a realistic baseline)?
Most erections come and go. Most men who do not struggle with EE naturally move up and down the arousal curve. This is not showcased in porn because porn is fantasy and it is not real, Many male porn stars are on 3 – 4 performance enhancers. Each man is different in terms of what his cock does. The majority of men will lose some level of harness in their cock after ten minutes of being hard without ejaculating. If you are having sex for longer than ten minutes – the level of hardness may go down so much on the arousal curve that you will be unable to keep penetrating or need to slow down quite a bit.
There is no need to be concerned – if you just continue to connect with your body and your partner, breath and feel into what you want sexually and go after it, the harness comes back.
The problem get created when you make an issue over the hardness and get stuck in your head worrying about how hard you are. This takes you away from the pleasure.
– When should I see a doctor, urologist, etc.:
If you are concerned that there is some medical issue, I always recommend that you see your doctor or a specialist. It is best to rule out any medical issues ASAP.
– Why didn’t you talk about kegel exercises?
Kegel exercises have been a go to theory for ejaculation control for years. The kegel muscle is the muscle you activate when you stop your urine flow. While having strong kegel muscles is important to you overall health and balance, I have found it has not particular use here for ejaculation control.
We want the whole body, especially the pelvic floor to relax and release. Tightening the area is the opposite of what we are helping your body to achieve and often time people are already over clenching.
A place that you can use your kegel muscles would be to check to see if you are clenching. For instance you are unsure if the pelvic floor area is released – tighten and release that muscle a few times and that will help you asses if you are relaxing.
Remember, we want to encourage the body to relax and let go. Not tighten to hold back. Can we please put the kegel myth to rest!
– What can I do to improve my self-confidence when I’m naked?
I’d like to share a story and exercise with you if body acceptance is something you would like to work on. Recently I was working with a client who had a lot of body shame around hair; particularly hair on his face (he didn’t have much). He felt so betrayed by his face for not growing hair that he had actually stopped looking in the mirror. As we looked into the mirror together, and talked about how he had been rejecting his face all these years, it became very clear to us that he was holding himself hostage with negativity. This client had experienced pretty severe bullying around his lack of facial hair, and even after he was physically away from the people who belittled and criticized him, he was actually doing the same thing to himself; repeatedly, everyday since the encounters many years ago.
The self bullying had gone on for so long, he didn’t actually know how to relate to his own body without those mean voices. As we explored the landscape of his inner world, he started to soften and even experienced a brief moment of compassion and acceptance for himself.
Too often we look to the outside world to make us feel better about ourselves. I often hear people talk about the longing to be with someone who truly sees them and accepts them, yet often, they are doing a huge amount of rejecting of themselves. It is hard to ask someone to accept us, when we ourselves have not fully accepted ourselves. Furthermore, if we do not feel love or compassion for ourselves, giving love to others will feel draining after a while because its very creation within ourselves is being thwarted.
Now, I realize that I am talking about this like it is as easy as switching a flip and all of a sudden you’ll now be able to fully love your body. It is not easy. It is a process.
The first place to start is by undressing in front of the mirror and taking a good long look at your whole naked body. If it seems overwhelming, work up to it:
- What do you see?
- Do you like what you see?
- If you hate something, why?
- What is hard to look at?
- Is any thing easy to look at?
When you identify the difficult areas, see if you can feel the negative messages you have sent this area all these years. Maybe it was something someone said to you about your body, like my client’s experience with bullies, or maybe it is something you internalized from impossible physical standards portrayed through the media. See if you can understand how these are not your words, they are other people’s. See if you can feel the pain this part of your body has felt all these years taking the negativity. Lastly, try to bring some compassion for this part of your body. Can you be friends with this part of your body?
Let’s face it, your cock, chest, skin, hair or lack of hair did not intentionally try to hurt you. Some people in the world might still reject your body, but at least if you begin to accept yourself, that is one less person who isn’t. It’s a really great start.
– Can I follow up with you with specific questions?
Yes, I have helped coach countless clients from all over the world in overcoming premature ejaculation struggles. For clients that are unable to see me 1-1, I offer my online Premature Ejaculation 12 Chapter Mastery Course.