Fantasy and using our imaginations is a natural part of being human. We have the ability to fantasize about so many things – especially sexual things. Everyone has had a sexual fantasy. Whether it is about someone sweeping you off your feet (romantic), unexpectedly meeting a sexy stranger and going right at it (no-strings-attached passion), or taking someone or being taken in a rough way (dominance). I always encourage people to explore the fantasy and let themselves fully feel what they get from the fantasy while keeping two feet firmly planted on the ground.
Why might this be important, you ask?
I recently had a good friend tell me about a woman he met who seemed very open to exploring sexually; he was so excited to spend more time with her. They went on a trip together and during that time had talked at length about the fantasies they wanted to make happen in reality. One situation that he was super excited about was the idea of a threesome. I remember how he shared it: “She is even open to having another woman join us. I feel like all my fantasies are going to come true!”
I am a huge supporter of people getting what they want – especially sexually – but I also knew he might be setting himself up for disappointment. He just seemed so damn happy at the time I didn’t have it in my heart to put his feet on the ground by pointing out that the fantasy of a threesome is often much better than the reality of a threesome.
I messaged him toward the end of the trip “how is it going? Threesome?” His response was literally: “I think fantasy is much better than reality.” We have not had a chance to meet up and talk about what happened, but he really got me thinking. So many of us have fantasies, yet when they come true, the reality is so much different than how we thought it would be. People often have expectations around fantasy that don’t involve the pre-fantasy build-up (i.e. organizing the situation, communicating boundaries, etc) or post-fantasy consequences (dealing with other people’s needs, emotions, and relationship expectations, etc).
Another example of this is open relationships. Many people fantasize about having multiple partners and how great this all could be. The major part missing in their thought process is that multiple partners involves multiple people, and people are HUMANS. They have feelings, woundings, grievances, pain, fears, jealousies. You don’t just get a perfect sex partner that is void of human traits. On the other hand, for some the reality is actually better than the fantasy and they decide to continue down the road of open relationships while many other people quickly close their relationship back up, putting the fantasy back on the shelf.
I am not in any way wanting to discourage you from exploring your fantasies, I simply want to offer a more realistic perspective that the fantasies that involve humans will come with the whole range of human characteristics and tendencies. In fantasy, people behave exactly the way we want them to; in reality, they behave however they behave. Sometimes better than we could have ever hoped, however, often times very different than what we thought would happen.
If you’re wanting to bring your fantasy into reality, allow yourself to think about and talk through with your partner or a close friend the best and worst case scenarios. List out all the pros and cons as well as potential positive and negative consequences. Try to stay as open and present to what life is showing you.
Who knows, reality might be different yet possibly more meaningful in ways you couldn’t have imagined.
Also posted on www.bettersexed.org
Thumbnail image via the movie Clueless