I hear it quite a bit in my practice, “He is really nice, I like talking to him, but I don’t want to fuck him.” How do you find the balance between being a nice person, and being a fuckable person; how do you cross the bridge from being someone women are not interested in sleeping with to the man they have always dreamed about fucking?
One of the major differences between a nice guy and an asshole is how the area of rejection is handled. An asshole sees what he wants, goes for it, and doesn’t care if he gets rejected. If he does get rejected, he shrugs it off and moves on , viewing it as a detour, not a setback. The nice guy often has to build himself up to ask for what he wants, especially if it might not be safe or a clear ‘yes’ to the need. He is more attached to the outcome, usually because he cares more. If he does get rejected, the nice guy shuts down, pulls away, or doesn’t know what to do next and “the night is over.” The majority of women will see this behavior as someone who is unsure of what he wants, unable to hold his own, too easily gives up, and is therefore an undesirable partner.
Like most women, we like nice guys and it would be wonderful to see more of them come out on top. And most nice guys would rather not have to be a dick to get what they want. So how do you find the balance between being a nice person and also not being so easily affected by rejections? You first acknowledge the feelings and beliefs you have about yourself when you get rejected. By acknowledging the running belief pattern of what rejection means to you, you can change your relationship to rejection and hopefully not feel so overwhelmed by it. Next step is accepting and welcoming all of your needs and desires as important and valid to who you are. Understanding that you will not get everything you want, yet it is still ok to have your wants. There are no issues in expressing yourself, but work on not taking it personally if someone doesn’t want the same thing. Even when you are partnered up, your partner does not always want to do the same things as you. They are a completely different person. That does not mean your relationship is bad or not going to last, it is healthy to want different things sometimes.
Take for instance: you have this burning desire to get a blow job from your partner, but you are always afraid to ask because you think she will say no. Often the too-nice-of-a-guy won’t ask because he projects that his partner might think him “offensive, rude, trying to make her do something she doesn’t want to do, only slutty girls do that, or she didn’t want to do it last month/year/when we first started dating.” You don’t ask and life goes on the same way, no blow job. Until one day you realize, “hey, I want this and I am going to ask.” She might say yes, she might no, regardless of what her answer is this is now on the table and your partner also gets the message that you are someone that isn’t afraid to ask for what you want. I recently had a client with this fantasy, he asked, and his wife was ecstatic to oblige his request. He was still beaming a week later!
Asking for what you want is not only a perk for you, a lot of women get turned on by their partner voicing their desires. Especially if it’s also something that makes them seem sexually irresistible or boosts their confidence. If you are asking for something you want that is sexual, remember that most of the time, it is how you ask for something more that what you’re asking for.
So if you find yourself often getting stuck in the nice guy category, or feeling like you don’t get the girl as often as you want, or you want more sex in your relationship; check in with yourself and see how forthcoming are you being about your needs. Ask yourself these questions:
– How often are you rejected?
– What happens when someone turns you down or says no?
– How do you handle it? What does it feel like? How does it affect the rest of your night?
– Do you lose hope for the night, week, month, year?
It is my belief that nice guys that learn how to ask for what they want get all of it. It’s only after adjusting attitude and behavior that they then get the girl, and then get hot sex and a loving relationship.
For all of the nice guys out there, remember “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Now get out there!
Also posted on BetterSexEd.org