The fifth and final step (which is often already happening if you’re practicing the four steps before) is to let the energy that builds in your cock move through the rest of the body.
Imagine the energy moving
When you are masturbating or with your partner, imagine the intense pleasure in your cock spreading down your legs to your feet. Spreading up your torso into your chest and down your arms, and then all the way up to your head. Include your whole body in the experience of pleasure, not just your cock.
If it helps, give the sensation a color in your mind. You can also imagine it like a liquid, so you can visualize the flowing sensation more concretely.
I understand that this may seem a bit abstract and it is. This is something that will take practice and time, and if it’s initially completely foreign to you, just be patient.
Overall, if the steps have left you unsure of what it means to ‘be in your body and move your energy,’ it would be good to find some resources around relaxation that you like. Practice those techniques in an non-sexual setting in conjunction with these steps. If you build the skills outside the stress of arousal, it easier when the arousal comes in (no pun intended:)).
Things to try for learning embodiement
For example, you might start meditating for 10 minutes a day. While meditating, start feeling and consciously releasing tension from different parts of your body. There are many great apps and resources on the internet. My favorite meditations come from Tara Brach’s website.
Overall, the most important thing to remember while you’re learning these steps is your breathwork.
I want to lead you through a breathwork exercise that will help you better connect with your body and help you understand the breath that you’ll want to use to explore your arousal.
So right now, allow yourself to get into a comfortable position. I always suggest lying down, but if that is uncomfortable for you or you’re unable to lay down, let yourself find a comfortable sitting position.
You also want to make sure that you have some privacy where you won’t be interrupted for at least 5 minutes.
Let your body get comfortable, see if you can just begin to breathe here without trying to do anything specific or anything fancy.
Just start to breathe. Feel where your body makes contact with the earth.
Now I’d like to invite you to place your hands on your chest and start to breathe in and out of your mouth, pushing your hand up with your chest and fully letting go of everything on the exhale.
Really pushing your hands up on your chest, expanding your rib cage… in and out of your mouth…
We are tuning into what I call the “sensation body.” This is the part of your body that can become aware of sensations. We’re slowing the breath down, starting to bring you out of your head. We want to use the breath to tell the body everything’s okay.
Take 2 more chest breaths here. Fully filling your lungs up, letting everything go on the exhale… Big inhale… And letting everything go on the exhale.
Now move your hands down onto your belly. Start to push your hands up and down with your belly. There’s a little bit of work on the inhale, and then letting everything go on the exhale…
Right here, notice the difference between breathing into your chest and breathing into your belly.
Maybe one feels easier than the other.
See if you can really push your hands up, slowing your breath down, telling your body everything’s okay with each inhale and exhale.
As you’re breathing here taking big full belly breaths, see if you can also notice areas of your body that are tightening or tensing.
First, just noticing those areas. Maybe you’re holding in your back, your legs, your hands, pelvis, feet. See if you can consciously let those parts start to soften as you’re breathing into your belly.
Let go of the tension. Remember that tension acts as a brick wall.
We want to see if we can really let the body let down, let go, letting gravity pull you in, letting breath move.
Let go of thoughts and expectations, and just moving into the sensation body.
Take 2 more big breaths into the belly and releasing. Last big breath into the belly, and letting everything go and now moving your hands down onto your cock.
See if you can allow the breath to be directed into your cock. Just like you had no expectations when you were breathing into your chest and no expectations when breathing into your belly, see if you can let go of any expectations of arousal or anything that might have shown up as you directed your breath into your cock.
Allow yourself to connect here as best you can.
It might be a completely foreign concept and that’s okay. See if you can notice what happens here.
Maybe you’re noticing lots of arousal, always welcoming in arousal. Maybe you’re not noticing any arousal and that’s completely fine. Your breath right now is just about connection.
If you started to feel some tightness showing up, maybe tightness in your asshole, see if you can release that, letting the breath move.
Remember, we’re trying to let the body know everything’s okay.
Make some noise
And on the next exhale we’re going to make a little bit of noise, letting a sigh out. Breathe all the way in, and letting out a big sigh. Do this 3 more times. Big inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale… inhale… now last big exhale…
Now just allowing the breath to return without any noise unless it feels good to continue with the noise.
See if you can feel the connection in your body awareness and sensitivity starting to show up here.
If you’ve done this breathwork a couple times with me already, maybe pausing it right here and letting yourself go into self-pleasuring (masturbation). Exploring the steps, keeping with this breath and the connection.
If this is your first time listening to the breath in this course, we’re going to move into another, different breath.
You’re going to start breathing faster and faster letting the breath drop all the way into your cock.
Take anywhere between 10 to 50 breaths getting into a fast and faster inhale – exhale.
Now, take a big inhale through your nose and out through your mouth.,
and a big inhale through your nose out through your mouth,
and a big inhale through your nose and the top of the inhale you’re going to hold your breath and squeeze all your muscles as tight as you can.
You want everything tight, tight, tight, tight as tight as you can, holding, letting your body get a little uncomfortable and when you can’t hold anymore you’re going to let everything go and feel your whole body relax onto the earth.
Notice here what it feels like inside of your body.
What the energy feels like, what you’re sensing, what you’re becoming aware of.
This connection in the body is actually what we want to start to create, as the way to enter into your arousal.
So people often ask me, “do I need to do that breathwork every time I want to be sexual?” The answer is of course not. But in the beginning as you’re teaching yourself the state that you want your body to enter into before you go into arousal, you will need to practice this breath. And practice finding your arousal from this level of connection.
To Wrap it up
To wrap up, be sure to continually check in with yourself to make sure you are taking full, deep slow breaths when you are being sexual.
Look for little areas of success at first. Sometimes, when something has been an issue for so long and we really want to fix it, we get really tough on ourselves and have unrealistic expectations.
The most common mistake is expecting to have full control right away. A lucky few may, but chances are you will need to put in a fair amount of effort, especially if this has been a lifelong struggle for you.
One of the most difficult but important steps to take in the process is learning how to communicate more openly about your struggle.
If you are currently with a partner, talk to them about how this is affecting you personally, and how you see it affecting your sex life — share your inner fears. Also let them know you are wanting to work on it.
Having your partner listen to this course can be very helpful in them gaining more awareness of what is happening for you.
Yeah, you need to share your feelings
Some women feel like you are ejaculating early on purpose. Sharing your feelings and frustrations will help them see this is currently out of your control and will help them understand what is happening for you.
People often wonder when it’s ok to have sex again, and I would like you to know that it’s always ok to have sex. Have as much and all the sex you want – yet try to make most of your sexual experiences part of your new way of connecting to your arousal.
This is why sharing with your partner and getting them on board is helpful. You might even ask them to help you to remember to breathe and relax when you are having sex.
If you are not with a partner and want to know when to try “it” with someone knew – see how anxious you are about cumming early. If you are over the top anxious with fear of cumming too soon, most likely all the ideas and practice masturbation sessions you have done might go out the window. In these instances with clients – looking directly at performance anxiety is crucial.
It is important to remember that when stress starts to creep in, our brains don’t allow us to access all of our memories. If you have less stress when practicing individually but greater stress when you’re with a partner, you may not be able to access all the new tools and progress you’ve been making right away in partnered situations.
I am not going to tell you that this approach will forever transform your sex life, that you will be able to last forever and have amazing sex every time. I’m not saying it won’t either, but just listening to this course isn’t enough.
Success will occur because you are putting in the effort.
We are starting something here – and the problem with change is not that people didn’t start something, it is that they didn’t finish it.
Persistence will create new patterns that can graft themselves and transform your relationship with arousal. Don’t give up on yourself. Stay the course, take yourself seriously and give it your best shot! You deserve to have the sex life that you want.