Have you been curious about what the most common questions of men who struggle to control their ejaculation are? so do many people. below is a compilation of the most common questions I get.
– How long do men typically sustain erections (what is a realistic baseline)?
Most erections come and go. Most men who do not struggle with EE naturally move up and down the arousal curve. This is not showcased in porn because porn is fantasy and it is not real, Many male porn stars are on 3 – 4 performance enhancers. Each man is different in terms of what his cock does. The majority of men will lose some level of harness in their cock after ten minutes of being hard without ejaculating. If you are having sex for longer than ten minutes – the level of hardness may go down so much on the arousal curve that you will be unable to keep penetrating or need to slow down quite a bit.
There is no need to be concerned – if you just continue to connect with your body and your partner, breath and feel into what you want sexually and go after it, the harness comes back.
The problem get created when you make an issue over the hardness and get stuck in your head worrying about how hard you are. This takes you away from the pleasure.
– When should I see a doctor, urologist, etc.:
If you are concerned that there is some medical issue, I always recommend that you see your doctor or a specialist. It is best to rule out any medical issues ASAP.
– Why didn’t you talk about kegel exercises?
Kegel exercises have been a go to theory for ejaculation control for years. The kegel muscle is the muscle you activate when you stop your urine flow. While having strong kegel muscles is important to you overall health and balance, I have found it has not particular use here for ejaculation control.
We want the whole body, especially the pelvic floor to relax and release. Tightening the area is the opposite of what we are helping your body to achieve and often time people are already over clenching.
A place that you can use your kegel muscles would be to check to see if you are clenching. For instance you are unsure if the pelvic floor area is released – tighten and release that muscle a few times and that will help you asses if you are relaxing.
Remember, we want to encourage the body to relax and let go. Not tighten to hold back. Can we please put the kegel myth to rest!
– What can I do to improve my self-confidence when I’m naked?
I’d like to share a story and exercise with you if body acceptance is something you would like to work on. Recently I was working with a client who had a lot of body shame around hair; particularly hair on his face (he didn’t have much). He felt so betrayed by his face for not growing hair that he had actually stopped looking in the mirror. As we looked into the mirror together, and talked about how he had been rejecting his face all these years, it became very clear to us that he was holding himself hostage with negativity. This client had experienced pretty severe bullying around his lack of facial hair, and even after he was physically away from the people who belittled and criticized him, he was actually doing the same thing to himself; repeatedly, everyday since the encounters many years ago.
The self bullying had gone on for so long, he didn’t actually know how to relate to his own body without those mean voices. As we explored the landscape of his inner world, he started to soften and even experienced a brief moment of compassion and acceptance for himself.
Too often we look to the outside world to make us feel better about ourselves. I often hear people talk about the longing to be with someone who truly sees them and accepts them, yet often, they are doing a huge amount of rejecting of themselves. It is hard to ask someone to accept us, when we ourselves have not fully accepted ourselves. Furthermore, if we do not feel love or compassion for ourselves, giving love to others will feel draining after a while because its very creation within ourselves is being thwarted.
Now, I realize that I am talking about this like it is as easy as switching a flip and all of a sudden you’ll now be able to fully love your body. It is not easy. It is a process.
The first place to start is by undressing in front of the mirror and taking a good long look at your whole naked body. If it seems overwhelming, work up to it:
- What do you see?
- What do you like?
- What do you hate?
- What is hard to look at?
- What is easy to look at?
When you identify the difficult areas, see if you can feel the negative messages you have sent this area all these years. Maybe it was something someone said to you about your body, like my client’s experience with bullies, or maybe it is something you internalized from impossible physical standards portrayed through the media. See if you can understand how these are not your words, they are other people’s. See if you can feel the pain this part of your body has felt all these years taking the negativity. Lastly, try to bring some compassion for this part of your body. Can you be friends with this part of your body?
Let’s face it, your cock, chest, skin, hair or lack of hair did not intentionally try to hurt you. Some people in the world might still reject your body, but at least if you begin to accept yourself, that is one less person who isn’t. It’s a really great start.
– Can I follow up with you with specific questions?
Yes, I coach clients in my San Francisco and Los Altos practice. For clients that are unable to see me at my office, I also offer sessions by phone. For the most success for the issues of ejaculation control, I recommend working with me in person.